"Nah," the bro said. "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

He said if it got any worse out there he was gonna have to get up let her in.

A guy calls his boss at work. "Boss, I was playing softball yesterday, and caught a bad hop right square in the nuts. They are so swelled up I can hardly walk, and can't sit down at all, so I gotta take the day off."

"Listen," the boss sez, "that happened to me once, so I just had my wife give me a good, nut-wringing blowjob. Made me all better, so that's what I'd suggest, 'cause boy, if you don't get yer ass in here, yer fired!"

A couple hours later the guy shows up with a smile on his face. He drops by the boss' office and sez "Boss, here I am, and you were absolutely right. She made me feel lots better! By the way: nice house you got there."
Tnx to Mike Canant, Albuquerque

He walks straight up to the madam, drops $1,000 on the bar, and says, "I want your skinniest woman; make her kinda homely. I want to spend the night with her, and I want her to just lay there while I screw her. In the morning, I want breakfast - cold scrambled eggs, limp bacon, and weak coffee."

The madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my best ladies, a three-course meal tonight, and a fine breakfast with fresh fruit and eggs, and Virginia ham in the morning."

"Yeah," the trucker tells her, "But listen sweetheart, I ain't horny: I'm homesick."

One year Jack and Martha went to the fair and Jack said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Jack that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Jack and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Jack, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Jack replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

  "Come on in," says the Devil, "Let me make you at home."

  Well, he takes the biker back to his very own cesspool, boiling hot, and drops him in up to his nose.

   The bro didn't like it at all; too hot, too smelly, didn't taste good, and all the screaming by the other tormented souls was just too much. And since it looked like he was gonna be there a while, he set about improving things.

  He collected up some scraps of junk floating around in the pool and built himself a little raft. Once he got himself up out of the slime he felt better, and set about collecting other odds and ends. First thing you know, being an innovative type as bikers are, (at least the ones who ride old Harleys) he'd put together a fan, blown most of the stink out, and cooled things off a bit. Then he picked up some old cardboard and made up some acoustical panels to cut the noise level. Well, the longer he was there, and the more stuff he found, the more comfortable he made it. Finally, in a technological triumph, he built an air conditioner, and with that Hell wasn't half-hot. It was downright liveable as a matter of fact, and even Satan liked it since he has to live there too.

  First thing you know, God gets Satan on the phone and wants to know what's going on down there. Old Scratch told him. Said he had a guy might as well be an engineer for all the things he could do. It didn't smell bad any more, wasn't noisy, and it was downright cool. They even had chairs to sit in.

  God, as you might guess, wasn't too pleased. He told the Devil that Hell wasn't supposed to be nice, or fun, and that the guy would have to be sent up to Heaven where they could keep an eye on him. "Send him up", said the Lord.

  "Nope," replied the Devil, "not gonna."

  "You better!"

  "No, no, no; you can't make me!"

  "Well, I'll just sue you then!" spoke the Lord.

  "Don't be silly," Satan responded, "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

  "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

  "How current is your copy?" he asks.

  "I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies,"why do you ask?"

  "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type.  It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

  "I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

   The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was once when I was driving down a road and I saw a biker gang harassing this poor girl. I slowed down,and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tireiron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang."

  "He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

   "So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!""

   St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow!  When did this happen?"

   So the guy looks at his watch and says "About three minutes ago."

Black bears are black in color, approximately five feet tall when erect, and may weight up to five hundred pounds. While they are potentially dangerous if surprised, they are not usually aggressive and will retreat if given the opportunity.

Grizzly bears are brown in color, up to seven feet tall, and weigh up to 800 pounds. They are extremely territorial, have no fear of man, and attacks on humans are not uncommon.

Campers, hikers, and others spending time in the outdoors are encouraged to wear a small bell to alert bears to their approach. Travellers should also carry a can of pepper spray to repel attacks.

People should also familiarize themselves with the appearance of each type of bear, and the kind of sign it leaves. Grizzly bears frequently reach high on a tree and make deep scratches in the bark to mark their territory. Black bears often root around in the ground searching for bugs and berries.

Bear droppings are also a good identifier. Black bear droppings can be identified by their relatively small size, and the presence of undigested berries and the bones of small rodents.

Grizzly bear droppings can be identified by their large size. They will often contain small bells and smell of pepper spray.

Johnny Cochran decided to go duck hunting in the marshes outside Houston. He is having a great time when suddenly a duck flies overhead. Johnny fires a shot and drops the bird but it falls into a field on the other side of a fence.

Johnny is climbing over the fence when an old farmer on tractor drives up and asks him what he thinks he is doing.

Johnny says "I shot a duck and it fell into this field and now I'm going to get it."

The old farmer replies, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."

Cochran is indignant and says "Apparently you don't know who I am. I'm Johnny Cochran, the attorney who got OJ off in that murder trial. If you don't let me get that duck I will sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiles and says "Apparently you don't know how we do things around here in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."

Johnny is surprised and says "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer says, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

Johnny quickly thinks about this and decides that since he is much younger and in far better condition and that he can easily win against this old codger. Johnny agrees.

The old farmer slowly climbs down off the tractor and walks up to Johnny. His first kick plants the toe of his heavy work boot in Johnny's crotch and drops him to his knees. His second kick nearly wipes Johnny's nose off his face and blood goes everywhere. Johnny is flat on his belly. The farmer's third kick relocates Johnny's left kidney and leaves Johnny writhing in pain for several minutes before he can stand.

Summoning every bit of his will, Cochran manages to get to his feet and says, "OK you old coot, now it's my turn!!"

The old farmer smiles and says "Awww shit, I give up...you can have the duck!"