Now some of the girls aren't gonna like these, but the guys will know exactly what they are about.
if you're not up to it.



  • If you think you're fat; you probably are. Don't ask us.

  • Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.

  • Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we, again, can find the perfect gift.

  • If you ask a question to which you do not wish to hear an answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

  • Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

  • Sunday sports are like the changing of the moon. Let it be.

  • Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as: navel lint, shotgun patterns, and carburetors.

  • Shopping is not a sport.

  • Anything you wear is fine, really.

  • You have enough clothes.

  • You have too many shoes.

  • Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.

  • No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

  • Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss occasionally.

  • Most guys own three or four pair of shoes. What makes you think we would be any good at choosing which pair, of thirty, would be OK with your dress?

  • "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.

  • A headache that lasts for seventeen days is a problem. See a doctor.

  • Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

  • Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

  • Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissable in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

  • If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

  • Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we appreciate how beautiful you are?

  • Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

  • You can ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

  • Christopher Columbus didn't need directions; neither do we.

  • Sidewalks, intersections, and doorways are not places to have conversations.

  • Color does not matter all than much. Really.

  • If we can't see you, don't expect us to hear you.

  • What we say is what we mean; there are no subtle meanings or hidden details.